I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
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Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies