the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.