if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
