I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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