well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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