we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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