My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
