I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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