Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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