In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
