I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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