Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
