I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
