Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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