He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
