he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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