atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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