so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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