I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
