I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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