Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
