I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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