i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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