I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
