please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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