I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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