I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
