he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
