Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
