Sponge bath it is.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
