He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i was born a porn star she said
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
