Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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