From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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