Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
