why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
