Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
