I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
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Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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