taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
