He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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