he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
