Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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