I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
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That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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