I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
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Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Damn victory sex feels great
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