The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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