Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
