so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
