OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
