Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
