I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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