Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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