I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He did a backflip because drugs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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