No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
