How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
