you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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