im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
