I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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