I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
