Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
