I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
