If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
