After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
